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Dear Reader,

 

Stories about unlikely animal friendships now make up about 30% of the internet. Posts starting with "I don't usually post this kind of thing" are close behind.

 

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I recently clicked on a web article titled "16 Ways To Know You Went To The University of Alabama" to see if number one would be "You went to the University of Alabama".

 

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Four of the worst kinds of people:

1. People who keep pressing the elevator button until the door opens. Lady, it has been 4 seconds. But keep pressing it and I'm sure it will move faster since you're in a hurry. I've heard this is a pretty courteous elevator. 

2. People who complain when they go anywhere that doesn't have wi-fi. It's a CVS, Dude. Lower the bar. 

3. Girls who celebrate a birthday week. It's a day. It's right there in the word. 

4. Adults still saying "gay" to describe something they don't like. It's time to dig into that big boy vocabulary. This isn't a high school lunchroom. 

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If your wedding doesn't have its own hashtag, did you really even get married?

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You could cast a musical with the number of Republicans seeking the Presidential nomination. Actually, maybe we should just do that instead?
 

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Four more of the worst kinds of people: 

1. People who park their SUVs in Compact Car parking spots. I drive a 2003 Toyota Echo which means a) I'm cool and b) I get to park in this spot. You drive an SUV which means a) you have to say yes when I ask you to help me move furniture and b) you can't park in this spot.

2. Those people who shout out song requests during a concert. The man has a set list. He already knows people want to hear his hit single. And he's not impressed that you like that obscure song. Let him tune his guitar.

 

3. People who order grilled chicken nuggets at Chick-fil-A. Well, aren't you responsible? Just get out. You're ruining this for me.

 

4. People who say they are gluten-free when they are actually just on a diet. How's that burger, no bun pairing with that beer, ma'am?

 

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At Subway, I politely but firmly order a drink and cookie with my sandwich hoping the cashier/sandwich artist doesn't say anything. But as always, she says "the meal comes with a drink and TWO cookies." I say, as always when this happens, "yeah, I just don't need two cookies." And they always say "well you're paying for two cookies. It actually costs more to just get one." And then I just sort of stare at her and then at the cookies for a second, holding my credit card thinking about how messed up that is. And then the extra soft cookie is saying, "I make economical sense. Buy me" And then the lady usually begins bargaining. "You could get chips or apple slices instead" as if the idea of just getting a single cookie is so absurd that I should re-evaluate my side item altogether. Then I decide I'll get the extra cookie, and save it for later. And it sits on my desk taunting me after lunch for no more than 30 minutes, when I then eat it in shame at having lost another round to the Subway staff.

 

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4 more of the worst kinds of people: 

1. People who say they have "a passion for life." Could you explain to me what that means without sounding like an idiot?

2. Creepy people (usually men, usually older) who get in my face in public and say you should smile or why aren't you smiling? Answer? Because I'm just looking through the mail right now. It's also 430 degrees. I don't know anyone whose resting, mail-checking face is a smile. That would maybe be sign of a medical condition, possibly a prescription drug problem.

 

3. The people who write the scripts for Comcast customer service representatives.

 

ME: Yes I'd like to arrange to cancel all of my services next month. 

COMCAST: We are sorry to hear that you have made such a quick and DRASTIC decision. I can pull up your account and tell you about some of our current promotions.

No. Shaving one side of your head because you saw it on Pinterest is a drastic decision. This is an overdue breaking of ties from the worst company in the history of paid services. You cannot beguile me with your bundles. 

 

4. Kanye West.

 

 

 

Claire Wisely lives in Nashville where she works in the nonprofit sector, coordinating medical care for indigent persons. She received her BA from the University of Alabama and an M.Ed. in Nonprofit Management from Belmont University.